I think I understand now.
I know you're not upset because you hated what happened. I know you liked it too. I think what hurt you was everything around it.
We had talked about a boundary and somehow, in the moment, we both got carried away. I know you are blaming yourself too, but I don't want to use that to make myself feel less responsible. I should have been more careful about something we had both decided beforehand.
And honestly, I didn't realise how big that moment was for you emotionally. You were expecting to feel happy, peaceful and close afterwards, and instead you were sitting with guilt, overthinking and waiting for some affection from me.
I am really sorry for that part.
I also want you to know why I disappeared yesterday. After reaching BLS from BBSR, my neck was hurting and I was completely exhausted from travelling. I went to Mom, got a massage and then I basically crashed and slept. I wasn't avoiding you. I wasn't treating what happened like it meant nothing to me.
But I still understand why it felt bad from your side. After something that important to you, I should have checked on you, called you, said something sweet, and made you feel cared for.
I don't want you to carry the guilt alone, and I definitely don't want you to think this changed the way I see you. It didn't. You're still you. You're still the person I love, the person I travelled to BBSR to spend those days with, and the person whose feelings matter to me.
Maybe the biggest thing I want to say is this: next time we decide a boundary, I want us to actually protect it — not just talk about it before the moment. And after difficult or emotional moments, I want to be more present instead of assuming that you're okay.
I can't undo yesterday. I can only understand it better and do better from here.
I love you, Licku.
And I really don't want you to feel alone in your thoughts. ❤️